"Nothing hurts, poisons, makes you ill, as disappointment does because disappointment is a pain that derives from vanished hope, a defeat that is always born from betrayed trust, from the turn-face of someone or something in which we believed."

The last sentence should say, "from the turn-face of something we were forced to believe and abide by"

When your family says, "it's not true" when it is .

They blamed North Korean leaders for brainwashing citizens.  The people who did the brainwashing forcing (with capital punishment) were blaming North Korea.

When your family beats you as a baby to respect your mom's race and culture - even though you were used as a meal ticket to Visa Sponsor mummy who gave that money away to her idiot Asian relatives to drink and do drugs with.

The baby beating bitch would beat me as a baby, then take off my clothes and make me sit in a closet for 3 hours.

They taught my sister to beat me because she's ashamed of mom's race and culture, then aids the idiot racist who beat and robbed you because of mom's race and culture.

They beat me because they were cowards.

The abusive self righteous ones aided and abetted those who physically attacked me, poisoned me and robbed me. 
Who gives their own kid a foreign name in a racist country, then defend the racism?


The trouble isn't that person, the trouble is the circumstance that forced me to be at the mercy of this.
I was thrown out of the house when I was 19 for having a boyfriend.

It was Easter Sunday, April 3rd, 1994.  I never had a chance.  I pulled myself up, did the right things, made something of myself.  The country, the boomers- I know I didn't let myself down. 
I'm not connected white privileged with a trust fund.   I'm much more than that.  The trouble is that society wants the connected white privileged with a trust/slut fund.  Look at the incentive motive.

I regret existing.  There's nothing for me.  My parents tried to throw me away in a war when I was sick and in a position of need.  I wasn't wanted.  I was just used, then tossed as the fall guy and forced to take the consequences of other people's actions because the blood thirsty backstabbing Asians and self righteous idiots forced me to be the fall guy.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I'm not the criminal.

Nobody was there for me when I was sick.  Nobody even believed me.
Do you even know what lonliness feels like?    I'm better off dead. 

Love isn't guaranteed and people need to keep expectations in a real place. 

"The most important thing that parents can teach their own children is  how to move forward without them."

Which requires self love, which was only evident without them. 

the fascination with wolves

Wolves.  The symbol of a wolf pack mentality.   Exists in human nature.
And in California (at least) we are taken out of the native tribe?   As transplants and after we established a pecking order in college, it goes on into adult hood.

I didn't fit into the established orders.  As an educated professional or if I had joined the military.
I didn't fit in with the family of bi-cultural bullshit and a mayhem of douche inspired confusion that it can't get past.  (does anyone really want to know why I feel so alone in the world?)

"If the "lone wolf" is lucky and finds friends, it will usually start a pack of his own. Protection from a pack, however, may also serve as motivation to perform criminal assignments to prevent from being kicked out and left vulnerable and alone. 
Within our prison systems the subcultures will constantly demonstrate to each other their rank much like a wolf pack. When two wolves in the pack encounter one another, the higher-ranking one will show confidence, aggression, and power by raising its tail, putting its ears facing forward and snarling, making itself look as big and threatening as possible.

Wolves will defend their pack's territory. The pack works as a team to harass larger animals and outsiders, ensuring that no harm can come to them.

There is little benefit to inmates to befriend or align themselves with officers as they are generally outnumbered. Any prison can be taken over by the inmates, but they all can be taken back. Inmates know this so generally their criminal activities revolve around manipulations and deception. 

The term “mob mentality” refers to unique behavioral characteristics that emerge when people are in large groups. It is sometimes used disparagingly, as the term “mob” typically conjures up an image of a disorganized, aggressive, panicked group of people.

Social psychologists that study group behaviors tend to prefer terms like “herd behavior” or “crowd hysteria.” The study of mob mentality is quite fascinating, and it is used to analyze situations that range from evacuations gone awry to the moment when demonstrations turn violent. 

Understanding the inmate subculture and knowing that it’s a mentality of “them against us” will keep you one step ahead of the inmate mob. 

However, “mob mentality” is about more than just crowds that have gotten out of control. Psychology experts are very interested in how human behavior change in response to new social situations. People behave very differently in small groups compared to what they do in big crowds, and their behavior in crowds is affected by a wide variety of factors.

An inmate may talk to you openly and sociable when alone. Place him in the middle of his peers, though, and he turns into Doctor Jekyll. Inmates will be more aggressive and violent when the ANONYMITY of the mob is in effect...."  http://www.corrections.com/articles/19123-the-mob-mentality

So when people are aggressive towards you?  They're THREATENED.


Here is another one:

When my son was two years old, we got a Samoyed puppy, and for the next 18 months they were the best of friends. Then the dog changed. Suddenly she started growling at my son and biting him. At first I thought that maybe he was pulling her tail or something else that was irritating her, but that wasn’t it.
     My dog had become an adult and instinct kicked in. She became concerned with her place in the pack hierarchy. I learned that our family was her pack, that I was alpha-dog, and that she had no intention of being at the bottom of the pecking order. That meant someone had to be beneath her and the easiest choice was my toddler.
     Through training and discipline we got the biting to stop, but to this day she still considers my son subordinate to her.https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-main-ingredient/200912/pack-mentality

So this would make sense to me.  My narcissistic ideologue control freak white dad socially isolated me so he can force this wolf pack mentality at my cost.   My mother is threatened- so I'm the fall guy.

I am forced to be here because of the garbage baby boomer utopia.

Three psychological theories address crowd behavior.

First is Contagion Theory, proposes that crowds exert a hypnotic influence on their members that results in irrational and emotionally charged behavior often referred to as crowd frenzy.

Second is Convergence Theory that argues the behavior of a crowd is not an emergent property of the crowd but is a result of like-minded individuals coming together.  If it becomes violent is not because the crowd encouraged violence yet rather people wanted it to be violent and came together in a crowd.

Third is Emergent-Norm Theory that combines the two above arguing that a combination of liked-minded individuals, anonymity and shared emotions leads to crowd behavior.
http://www.drwendyjames.com/the-psychology-of-mob-mentality-and-violence/

At the end of the day, the vulnerable will always be held liable for their actions.    In the U.S. racist baby boomer kleptocracy enforced white trash caste system, this is horrible.

First of all, this is very counterproductive, wasteful melodrama to say the very least.  And harmful obviously.  But in the end, everyone is going to lose.

In class this week, my instructor was a little prickly.  And of course when I was "confrontational" in my point of views- the class turned on me regardless of whether or not my point was valid.

My point was infact very valid as I had suffered the adverse effects of this horrible economy in the U.S. (and this wolfpack was my international finance class).  

Asians are not at the forefront of the wolfpack mentality.  I'm mad at them, I'm mad at my family- I can't be mad at myself.  I've corrected the problems I made, I did my due diligence and I have to realize when it's important to stop.

But everyone needs their fucking fall guy.  It's not about bettering their situation by just fixing the situation, it's about the pack mentality.

I'm bicultural individualist.  Stupid Asian governments financed a corrupt U.S. government through purchases of US Treasuries with nothing to hold it accountable and you know, Asians don't lead in a wolf pack mentality.

They're so weak that they have to stab others in the back, lie, cheat, steal and beat babies.

That's the status quo in the world.  So stupid.

Racism is a hoax. Racists are ugly and gross.

I'm speaking as a Hapa.  A half Asian, half Caucasian in the U.S.
"Hapa" is a coined phrase for "Half Foreigner" in Hawaii.  Mohalo!  :)

Not too long ago, I was watching a black radio talk show featuring Jade Pinkett Smith, and at 8:30 in the vid, she says, "I teach my kids not to worry about what other people think of you, because they're going to use that to manipulate you".  Self love, confidence- she NAILED it.  

Anyways- after a lifetime of going through racism in the more polite, but xenophobic midwest- I was allowed to experience diversity in California.  God it was a breath of fresh air.

The coined phrase is "Fresh off the Boat" or "F" "O" "B" acronym which immigrants should wear with pride.

And if so- share in the "suffering" of your people.   Embrace those who suffer from isolation in the U.S. for no good reason.  Go against the grain.

This is a warning about a very credible threat.

I recently realized why I was put down by my bi-cultural military white dad/asian mom family.
It's racism.  They're agenda ridden.   They're harder on anyone who isn't white ugly racist rabid tweaker trash or Mexican, the two most noncompetitive, useless groups.  And they're  RACIST idiots in the U.S.   The Jewel of Boomer California's "standards" to protect the status quo.  The hyped up druggie trend and the thrive on negativity hoopla.

The threat to the status quo is the status quo.  Racism is the alibi.  The minorities are the fall guy.

The U.S. and the current boomers have the most billionaires?  Many are in the business of robbing people for energy and shelter.  They bribed the government to aid them. The diet industry costs $66 billion/year.  So why is there over a trillion per decade going to Latin and south America per decade AT LEAST for street drugs, $66 billion on diet drugs, $10 billion for auto immune drugs....Cancer "research" costs the US Taxpayers $5 billion/year- Cardiovascular diseases costs $213 billion/year.

And Steve Jobs was allowed to die of pancreatic cancer. Note: Asians, esp women have to be really careful here. Our veins are normally smaller than those of a typical white, latino or black person. If you need a stint- the best thing I can tell you is to make sure your insulin levels don't go up too high and to avoid high fructose corn syrup like the plague. HIGH INSULIN CAUSES HIGH LDL LEVELS!!! 
HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP CAUSES HIGH TRIGLYCERIDES! 

OMG you haven't see the disaster that is the consequence of the "you need insulin with that meal" people. I'm going to backtrack here a little. Yes I know that guys can be mean to their girls if the girls are heavy. Fine. The white and even latino heavy girls have been the rudest and discriminatory to the little Asian girls. I was one, I was mild but I saw it in full effect. Another skinny girl I was friends with came from Italy, the white girls hated her too. There's a korean lady who lives a few doors down. She just had a very healthy baby. She can play with her baby without being horrible, loud, overbearing and obnoxious. She's very skinny, I'm talking 5'3 and 95 pounds skinny. Now I just witnessed a former classmate's Facebook profile from the midwest. People coddle on Facebook because the person with the account needs it. This classmate from the midwest- her ARM was bigger than the Korean mom's waist!!! They're BOTH moms. I know people gain weight during pregnancy. But was it genetically hormone infested dairy? Was it contraceptives? Anti-depressants? High Fructose Corn Syrup? Oil? Glucocorticoids? I'm half korean, I have to work at my weight. I just got my cholesterol down 55 points without statins. My glucose is low from exercise. I know I have too much insulin (doing the right things WILL help you, it will show up on your blood work and give you at least an indication of what's wrong with you). I know that high fructose corn syrup adds weight and causes rheumatoid arthritis. It was so disgusting. She's known to have a slower metabolism due to genetics, she was kind of thick in high school but not obese. And the obese roommates I've had actually trimmed down since college after having kids-and lipo. But anyways.... I don't know how anyone can even gain so much weight in the first place without going through gastric explosion! Japan has the lowest healthcare costs in the world. The "FOB" Japanese in the U.S. are very thin and HEALTHY at the same time. Bullies from Riverside/San Bernadino that I unfortunately roomed with sent them to the property management in TEARS! The blacks and gays in South Central Los Angeles treated them so much better. Some Asians have gained almost twice their weight when they ate the Americanized diet. Sorry, it's not some hipsters' bragging point (many don't do so well themselves unless they're orthorexics. Which I personally am (orthorexic). A lot of American's are racist shitbags who don't appreciate the effort that goes into accommodating their lazy arrogant entitlements that pushes nasty high fructose corn syrup, transfats, palm oils, oils, oils, chemicals down people's throats when they make sure you can't pass an exam. Nepotism in the contest of ugly losers reigns supreme in the US, because the authorities take bribes and K&J Streets sit in the center making bucko bucks off of our backs. Americans like to be f*d in the rear. Americans LOVE to hate themselves and make stupid decisions for attention. They LOVE it. Actions speak louder than words.

Out here, I've seen people who were maybe ignored?  If they were lucky and lucky enough to have moms let them go ignored.  And still eating their cultural grub made FROM SCRATCH with REAL FOOD.

Their families are humble with an emphasis on HEALTH and WHOLESOME ETHICS.   And treating others with common courtesy and decency.

I think Facebook was a HUGE mistake.  The world is big and vast for a reason, I liked it that way.

This isn't even about gloating at the reunion when the "cool kids ignored you".  It's really a waste of money to see it.   It's a disappointment.  Even in Corporate America, racism and that thriving on negativity reigns supreme.

Not everyone changes for the better when they're in a better place in their lives.

That's why you don't rob the good for the idiots.   This is threatening to the status quo if someone earns credit or rewards for their efforts(my backstabbing, bloodthirsty sycophant "republican" "asian/military" parents taught me well.  My dad blamed the Mexicans for not wanting their kids to do better than the parents.  It's not the Mexicans, it was him.).

Give a tweaker garbage can racist other people's money and they'll use it for destructive purposes, drive the nastiest loudest most polluted cars, start fights, yell, hollar, start a meth lab, quality control anything, hep C via ugly tattoos- they're useless.  They don't cure migraines, cancer- as a matter of fact, they're busy panhandling for Hodgkins (meth causes cancer.  Meth isn't only synonymous with violent white supremacy.).

I was put down, not just by the jerks at school.

But by my family.

No I don't want to be a Simpson cohort.  I don't envy the Roseanne Barr family.   I don't even like them.   After dealing with racist methheads and the cholos, I realized something.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT THEY'RE UGLY.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT THEY'RE STUPID. 

But society in the western hemisphere is taught that you have to blame those who are both vulnerable and too good for this junk.  Those who went along with the flow?  UGH!  We're talking heart attacks by the age of 35, MRIs in their 40's, coumadin and multiple strokes with horrible obesity in their 40's.  This is why they're so mean.  The status quo in the US is threatened.

They're soooo threatened that they will instead of upholding quality control like the status quo is supposed to do?

They BRAG about how it's costing taxpayers $800 for their blood thinners (poison) and $500 for their statins.  And that they feel so awesome on their statins and lost all this weight on their Atkins' diet.  (you need riboflavin absorption in the cells to lower cholesterol).

Yuck icky --- racists are soooooo nasty and gross.

I wrote a post on this yesterday and it disappeared (funny how THAT happens).
In a world where the racist tweaker white boomer uglies can do no wrong at my expense- where the ghetto garbage Obamas can subsidize high fructose corn syrup and rbST infested milk AND Michele Obama's liposuction!

No.  From day one, we were expected to accommodate and worship whiteness as Asians, right?
I'm not allowed to disoblige, and we were always ALWAYS on a military base.  Which worked fine only in Japan.  Because being part Asian was normal.  It helped when your STUPID horrible selfish backstabbing parents stuck you with an Asian name in a very VERY racist country.  And beat you if you didn't want it.  Then Asians got American names and overachieved to fight discrimination.

Both which my obviously threatened, malicious, sinister hating baby beating b* parents cared not about.  My stupid dad pretended that nothing was wrong with the great USofA but spent so much time on TDY to avoid the fact that we were yes, subject to racism.  Go to an American school.  It was RAUNCHY.  Private school was a lot better, with still too many flaws.  (yes I'm referring to the "appeal to authority" business of "you need insulin" to hyperinsulinemics)- at least the white kids at private school were tolerant.  I wish tolerance would've boomeranged karma back at them- but it wasn't allowed to happen.  Oh I have so much to tell them- the jerks got to them first.  They wanted the jerks.

So my mom fed us American food or the greasy crap excuse for Asian food to make my dad happy.
He wasn't happy unless I was fat.  And the creepy nasty JERK would ALWAYS have a "comment" for me.   "Comment" aka. CRITICISM.

When I got a perfect score on my term paper- most people would've cheered me on, bought me a drink, etc. Thanks to the garbage boomer economy - I get stuck with my parents who were nice enough to pay for my class instead of losing it at a casino or on an REIT backed investment.  Dad of course had nothing nice to say.  He never does.

He didn't care that I was sick and in pain recently, he only cared that the bones in my back were showing and yelled at me to eat more.

My mother NEVER cared.  Selfish bitch, I was the meal ticket to the visa sponsor.  What did I get out of it?  NOTHING.  Of course.

But anyways, back to culture.

So many people underhanded for "the American Dream".  Which does not exist.

It was shoved down my throat as was this horrible "culture".  It's not worth compromising yourself for EVER.  Or anyone else for that matter.  It's "fool's gold" as a matter of fact.  

All I wanted.... oh wait, I wasn't allowed to want anything.   I'm LUCKY I'm allowed to know who I am and to like myself.  

I'm supposed to be grateful to be a second handed minority in a junkie country because I'm not worthy thanks to genetics and race.

YUCK.